Red Panda Alone At The Top; Illegal Engine, 20k Rockets Rebound


Week 3 Recap

 

Team Red Panda (4-0) vs. Is That a Rocket In Your Pocket (3-1)

For all the talk of Brady-Manning and Ovechkin-Crosby adding one more (perhaps final) chapter and their storied epochs this Sunday, OGRLLfFC fans had something bigger to look forward to in Week 3. Two undefeated Rocket League Titans aimed at each other across the epic landscapes and intellectual vacancy that is the continental United States. On the far right, both geographically and ideologically, South Carolina’s Is That a Rocket in Your Pocket?, cleaning off the last bits of carnage from their sabre, posed like Captain Morgan on the remains of their victims: Team Messibishi and Illegal Engine. On the left, wearing nothing but Bernie Sanders campaign posters around their waist like a championship boxer’s belt, southern California’s Team Red Panda was waiting patiently, adding the finishing touches to a new black tear-drop tattoo commemorating the fallen 20k Rockets, next to the still tender memorial for Hobo Annihilators. A perfect record at stake, Week 3 would determine who still controlled their own destiny in the OGRLLfFC.

Game 1 started like many others with Bajamba scoring for Red Panda off of a successful clearing attempt. Evhul, who terrorized Illegal Engine in Week 2, was uncharacteristically absent from the net. Immediately learning from the mistake, Evhul returned to the net where he and Bajamba took turns denying offensive chances for nearly four minutes. DrHoppimbimber nearly helped even the score with 3:20 remaining with a perfect centering pass to Evhul who put it just over the net and into the crossbar. Evhul returned the favor to DrHoppimbimber at 1:02, but she too missed just wide.

It was Ebinkar who broke the stalemate with under a minute left in the game by intercepting a failed clearing attempt, playing the ball off the back wall like a backboard, and catching the ball in the air for a gorgeous one-man alley-oop goal.

Seconds later, Evhul would capitalize on a failed Red Panda clear by placing the ball in the top left corner of the net from mid-field.

Time proved to be Pocket’s enemy as it ticked down to the final seconds while they were on the attack and finalizing a 3-2 Red Panda victory.

Game 2 featured much of the same back-and-forth, remaining scoreless for nearly four minutes. At 3:45 Ebinkar drew first blood, proving his familiarity with the concept of angle of incidence, with another ball off the wall to himself that he skillfully placed in the net. Off the following face-off, Ebinkar showed white guys can jump (if aided by a virtual rally car with a rocket attached to it), getting air over Evhul for his second goal of the game.

Evhul would exact his revenge nearly a minute later, chipping the ball over both Red Panda defenders at mid field and following the ball to slam home an empty net goal.

With two minutes left, Bajamba broke his silence by winning bicycle kick duel with Evhul (Figure 1) in front of the Pocket net for his first of the game.

Evhul would score his second goal a minute later by redirecting a high cleared ball off the wall in mid air and at mid field. But Bajamba would answer before the final horn, in Ebinkar style, playing the ball off the wall to himself and in the goal for a 4-2 win.

Team Red Panda will look to continue their dominance against Colorado's B-Team (see next article), OPA Belters, in Week 4, while Is That a Rocket In Your Pocket will try to rebound against New Jersey’s 20,000 Rockets Under The League.

Team Red Panda > Is That a Rocket In Your Pocket?

 

Illegal Engine (3-1) vs. OPA Belters (1-2)

The usually serene snow capped peaks of the Colorado Rocky Mountains were ablaze with Civil War in Week 3, as Colorado’s Illegal Engine battled Colorado’s OPA Belters for a state only big enough for one OGRLLfFC duo. From Frisco to Denver, the teams bantered for days before charging at each other Sunday night.

The first skirmish quickly turned into a massacre, with Illegal Engine scoring early and often. Strawberry “Sling King” Monster showed why they call him “Mad Matt”, unleashing indiscriminate fury in the first two minutes of game, scoring twice for Illegal Engine and even once for OPA Belters (credited to Ieatcow with the last touch). From there TRC took charge, scoring an aerial goal off the wall and then seconds later off of a face-off win. He would complete the [p]at-trick just after the midway point in the game. Sling King finished his own 3 goal set before TRC added his fourth, and Engine’s seventh, goal of the game to cap off a 7-1 victory.

Game 2 proceeded in a more conservative fashion, with no goals scored in the first two minutes. Both teams showed improved defense and acrobatic saves from Jackinthebox and TRC. Sling King struck first for Illegal Engine, following his own centered ball around the wall and beating both OPA Belters 1-on-2 for the goal. It took another 1:30 before Sling King was able to center the ball for TRC to take a 2-0 lead. From there the game settled down, both teams trading tepid chances met with fierce defensive resistance. A final defensive breakdown allowed TRC to score with only a second remaining and seal the 3-0 shutout, and the 2-0 match victory.

“Illegal Engine is who WE THOUGHT THEY WERE,” a passionate Jackinthebox said in the post match press conference. “That’s why we took the DAMN FIELD. If you want to crown em, then crown their ass, but Illegal Engine is who we THOUGHT THEY WERE, and WE LET EM OFF THE HOOK!”

(More: Jack’s Mothafuggin SPORTS!™ Reference of the week)

“Thank you for a generous serving of humble pie” he added before leaving the podium without taking any further questions.

Illegal Engine enters their BYE week in a comfortable second place tie with Is That a Rocket In Your Pocket?

OPA Belters will do what they can against a powerful and undefeated Team Red Panda in Week 4.

Illegal Engine > OPA Belters

 

20,000 Rockets Under the League (2-2) vs. Hobo Annihilators (1-2)

Alphashock was back in the lineup for Maryland’s Hobo Annihilators in Week 3 after dropping his salary demands from $4.5M per year to a new Razer headset and a ham sandwich. Management for Hobo Annihilators released a statement Friday saying they have acquired the headset and have signed an agreement for the sandwich, with an option for a second sandwich in 2017.

Annihilators looked improved against a resurgent 20k Rockets, but the now Veteran team from New Jersey took no prisoners in Game 1, racing to an early 4-0 lead. A lucky break would turn the tide for Annihilators when Klsnkv’s clearing attempt caromed off a backchecking KingKayzer and into 20k Rocket’s net. Annihilators would follow up with two quick goals to bring the game within one, but 20K rockets held off for a 4-3 win.

Game 2 started with another early goal from Klsnkv, and then a quick second off a pass from KingKing Kayzer for a 2-0 lead. FiraOmega came within inches of halving their lead at the three minute mark, but hit the edge of the post and allowed Klsnkv to clear. 20k rockets followed up with Klsnkv playing the ball off the wall to KingKayzer for a beautiful midair cross and another 20k Rockets goal.

Alphashock proved his worth in sandwiches with 1:23 remaining, banking the ball out of the corner and over 20k Rocket’s net, timing his launch perfectly for Hobo Annihilators first goal of the game. Unfortunately for Hobo Annihilators that would not be enough, as KingKayzer buried his final chance of the game to solidify a 4-1 win.

Annihilators have their work cut out for them in Week 4 where they’ll play New York’s Team Messibishi, as do 20k Rockets, drawing South Carolina’s Is That a Rocket in Your Pocket?

20,000 Rockets Under The League > Hobo Annihilators

 

Team Messibishi - Bye Week

Team Messibishi’s Signal sent word from deep inside a nuclear reactor that the laws of physics continue to apply to this universe, and you’re welcome for the free energy, you nuclear-power-hating-hippies.

 

Here’s a look at the standings after week 3.

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